Movie Monday: The Best Witchy Films

We've covered vampires and zombies, and now it's the turn of witches!  And yeah, we have a really, really big soft spot for campy B movies, so you'll see a lot of that...

#10 The Wicker Man
The original, not the Nicholas Cage debacle.  I'm sure this film makes wiccans and pagans everywhere insanely mad, but it's fun; we can't deny that.

#9 ParaNorman
This is both a witchcraft and zombie movie (with a healthy dose of ghosts), so it should rightfully have had a shout-out on last week's list too, but this will just have to suffice.  For a kid's movie, this gave me the creeps.  I can't watch it alone.  And I love the small-town feel.  It's homey and familiar, despite the undead.  And a kid witch fueled by fear rather than dark magic?  Love it!

#8 The Witches of Eastwick
On one hand, I hate this because Jack Nicholson is absolutely revolting in this film.  On the other hand, this is a veritable orgy of great actors doing weird, uncomfortable, and amusing things.  I only wish it were a little stronger on the girl power, though.

#7 The Witches
Anjelica Huston.  Need I say more?

#6 Bell, Book, and Candle
It's like "Bewitched," but so much better.  This little-known charmer is stuffed with vintage stars who all give spell-bindingly cute performances.  (So many puns!  We can't stop!  Help!)

#5 Practical Magic
Oh my God, I could kill Goran Visnjic after watching this.  What a sick bastard he plays!  It's him who's the real terror here, not the witches, and I love that.

#4 The Craft
There is no need to justify this film being on the list.

#3 Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
I'm sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  This was my favorite movie of 2013, and I watch it at least once a month.  I have a major crush on Jeremy Renner.  And Gemma Arterton.  And that adorable troll.  And Muriel gives me the willies.  And even though I'm not usually a fan of major gore, I even loved that in this piece of laughable schlock.  This is just my ultimate date night movie.  I know, it's weird.  Moving on...

#2 Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
OMG I AM ELVIRA'S BIGGEST FAN EVER AND I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO PLAY HER SOMEDAY.  And talk about campy B movies: this one has it all!  Everything!  Seriously!  It just doesn't get any better/worse than this.  God, I'm just fangirling all over the place, aren't I?  I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE.  CASSANDRA PETERSON'S BOOBS WILL BACK ME UP.

You do not mess with the boobs.  They are f*cking magical.  Remember when her boobs broke that fence?  Yeah.

#1 The Crucible
I know, I know, it's a play first and foremost, not a movie.  But, damn!  "The Crucible" tops the list because of the sheer terror it instills in viewers.  This is a true story, people.  The evil that humans are capable of... witches have nothing on us.  We are frightening creatures.  I am sick to my stomach every time I watch this.  The brutal, raw truth of humanity's cruelty and small-mindedness makes for a better horror movie than any number of vampires, zombies, witches, or ghouls.

Have a horrific day!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: The Best Undead Films Part 2

Zombies!!!

They're the new fad, hot trend, hip obsession.  I even came across a zombie romance novel the other day.  Wow.  Never expected that...  Anyways, here's our favorite zombie movies.

#10 Plague of the Zombies
It's a classic!  I mean, it's in the Hammer collection.  You can't have a best-zombie-movie list without this one.  For an oldie, it can still give us the chills.  Rock on, hippie era zombies.

#9 Zombieland
This will undoubtedly be considered a zombie classic in a few decades.  It's campy fun, and Woody Harrelson is a genius here, but it's a little over-the-top bloody for me, which is why it's not higher on the list, despite its popularity.

#8 Planet Terror
Over-the-top, just like Zombieland, but it's killer fun.  Pun intended.  (Yes, we think we were clever there.)  Plus, it has a machine gun leg on a sexy woman.  Hell yeah!

#7 Warm Bodies
It's my firm belief that this movie has ignited the newest trend in romantic books and films: the zombie romance.  It's going to be big, soon.  Maybe even overtake the vampire romance obsession we've had for at least 200 years.  There just isn't a cuter young adult love story out there, and "Warm Bodies" beats "Twilight" for romance and fun by about a million miles.  I'll take R over Edward any day.  Bonus: for a romance, it's surprisingly not even mildly sexist.  Win!

#6 I Walked With a Zombie
Imagine Alfred Hitchcock made a zombie movie.  'Nuf said.

#5 George Romero's zombie trilogy
Do we really have to defend this choice?  Honestly, guys...

#4 all the Evil Dead films (the originals)
We're not defending this either.  Duh.

#3 Fido
This is one of my all-time favorite movies.  It's so unexpected and touching, with a healthy dose of "... what the hell..."  Billy Connolly is surprisingly lovable, which may be due to the fact that the movie doesn't allow him to open his obnoxious foul mouth.  Carrie-Anne Moss is the opposite of her character in "The Matrix," and she's still awesome.  The whole "zombie is man's best friend" theme had me crying at the end.  And that creepy neighbor with his zombie concubine... good stuff, people.  Good stuff.

#2 Sugar Hill
I apologize, but I have a soft spot for blaxploitation films.  And "Sugar Hill" delivers exploitation, revenge, and chills with the best of them.  Plus, it's nice to see a return to the voodoo zombie story, rather than the zombie plague/virus trope.  Zombies were originally associated with voodoo, not mutated viruses, so this is a return to zombie roots.

#1 Re-Animator
Camp at its best.  Forget voodoo zombies and virus-induced zombie plagues.  "Re-Animator" is the most chilling dead-people-come-to-life story of them all because it's the closest to reality.  The day is closing in when Herbert West's experiments might actually become a medical reality... and a horrific nightmare.  This is science turned evil.  Welcome to the future.  Welcome to the definition of terror.  Feel free to scream.

Honorable mention to "Shaun of the Dead."  It's so stuffed full of awesomeness that we couldn't figure out where to put it.  It's in a category of its own.

Check in next week for some witchy films!  (Yeah, "The Craft" is gonna make the list.)

Salaam!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: the best undead films, Part 1

Part 1: Vampires!

Vampires!  Vampires!  Vampires!  We've all been in a rage over vampires for about the last 30 years, and the craze doesn't seem to be going away any time soon.  So let's take a look at the 20 best vampire films of all time.  (This is subjective of course.  This is just a list of the films that we think are the best, but we do have pretty good taste, if I do say so myself.)  You will notice that Twilight is not on this list.  When The Voodoo Lady and I were brainstorming this, I told her that if she named Twilight as one of her favorite vampire movies, I would book a flight all the way from Perth to Orange County (that's over 9,000 miles) and personally punch her in the face.  Thankfully, she doesn't like Twilight.  And as it doesn't deserve any more words than we've already given it, let's get on with what we came here to do:

#20:  Underworld saga
This is a mega blockbuster series, but it sits at number 20 for us because it's rather cliche.  The only reason it's on this list is because this is one of the sleekest, hippest, sexiest portrayals of vampires out there.  Yes, it's sexier than Twilight.

Really, we just like all the leather...

#19  Once Bitten
This bloodsucking comedy is an adorable watch, and makes it onto this list for three reasons.  Lauren Hutton oozes quirky sensuality, and is thus a perfect vampire.  Cleavton Little is always, always a joy to behold and he died too young so we love everything he was in.  And it's nice to see Jim Carrey in the days before he got obsessed with strange and violent potty humor.  He used to be cute and charming.  What happened?