Movie Monday: "Dirigible Days"

Two years and a bit ago (God, has the blog really be going on that long?!?), we asked you to contribute to the "Dirigible Days" Kickstarter.  Well, we've finally gotten around to watching the resulting mini-series, and we're impressed.  Head on over to the website to see the series and support the project!

Salaam!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: The Best Witchy Films

We've covered vampires and zombies, and now it's the turn of witches!  And yeah, we have a really, really big soft spot for campy B movies, so you'll see a lot of that...

#10 The Wicker Man
The original, not the Nicholas Cage debacle.  I'm sure this film makes wiccans and pagans everywhere insanely mad, but it's fun; we can't deny that.

#9 ParaNorman
This is both a witchcraft and zombie movie (with a healthy dose of ghosts), so it should rightfully have had a shout-out on last week's list too, but this will just have to suffice.  For a kid's movie, this gave me the creeps.  I can't watch it alone.  And I love the small-town feel.  It's homey and familiar, despite the undead.  And a kid witch fueled by fear rather than dark magic?  Love it!

#8 The Witches of Eastwick
On one hand, I hate this because Jack Nicholson is absolutely revolting in this film.  On the other hand, this is a veritable orgy of great actors doing weird, uncomfortable, and amusing things.  I only wish it were a little stronger on the girl power, though.

#7 The Witches
Anjelica Huston.  Need I say more?

#6 Bell, Book, and Candle
It's like "Bewitched," but so much better.  This little-known charmer is stuffed with vintage stars who all give spell-bindingly cute performances.  (So many puns!  We can't stop!  Help!)

#5 Practical Magic
Oh my God, I could kill Goran Visnjic after watching this.  What a sick bastard he plays!  It's him who's the real terror here, not the witches, and I love that.

#4 The Craft
There is no need to justify this film being on the list.

#3 Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
I'm sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  This was my favorite movie of 2013, and I watch it at least once a month.  I have a major crush on Jeremy Renner.  And Gemma Arterton.  And that adorable troll.  And Muriel gives me the willies.  And even though I'm not usually a fan of major gore, I even loved that in this piece of laughable schlock.  This is just my ultimate date night movie.  I know, it's weird.  Moving on...

#2 Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
OMG I AM ELVIRA'S BIGGEST FAN EVER AND I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO PLAY HER SOMEDAY.  And talk about campy B movies: this one has it all!  Everything!  Seriously!  It just doesn't get any better/worse than this.  God, I'm just fangirling all over the place, aren't I?  I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE.  CASSANDRA PETERSON'S BOOBS WILL BACK ME UP.

You do not mess with the boobs.  They are f*cking magical.  Remember when her boobs broke that fence?  Yeah.

#1 The Crucible
I know, I know, it's a play first and foremost, not a movie.  But, damn!  "The Crucible" tops the list because of the sheer terror it instills in viewers.  This is a true story, people.  The evil that humans are capable of... witches have nothing on us.  We are frightening creatures.  I am sick to my stomach every time I watch this.  The brutal, raw truth of humanity's cruelty and small-mindedness makes for a better horror movie than any number of vampires, zombies, witches, or ghouls.

Have a horrific day!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: The Best Undead Films Part 2

Zombies!!!

They're the new fad, hot trend, hip obsession.  I even came across a zombie romance novel the other day.  Wow.  Never expected that...  Anyways, here's our favorite zombie movies.

#10 Plague of the Zombies
It's a classic!  I mean, it's in the Hammer collection.  You can't have a best-zombie-movie list without this one.  For an oldie, it can still give us the chills.  Rock on, hippie era zombies.

#9 Zombieland
This will undoubtedly be considered a zombie classic in a few decades.  It's campy fun, and Woody Harrelson is a genius here, but it's a little over-the-top bloody for me, which is why it's not higher on the list, despite its popularity.

#8 Planet Terror
Over-the-top, just like Zombieland, but it's killer fun.  Pun intended.  (Yes, we think we were clever there.)  Plus, it has a machine gun leg on a sexy woman.  Hell yeah!

#7 Warm Bodies
It's my firm belief that this movie has ignited the newest trend in romantic books and films: the zombie romance.  It's going to be big, soon.  Maybe even overtake the vampire romance obsession we've had for at least 200 years.  There just isn't a cuter young adult love story out there, and "Warm Bodies" beats "Twilight" for romance and fun by about a million miles.  I'll take R over Edward any day.  Bonus: for a romance, it's surprisingly not even mildly sexist.  Win!

#6 I Walked With a Zombie
Imagine Alfred Hitchcock made a zombie movie.  'Nuf said.

#5 George Romero's zombie trilogy
Do we really have to defend this choice?  Honestly, guys...

#4 all the Evil Dead films (the originals)
We're not defending this either.  Duh.

#3 Fido
This is one of my all-time favorite movies.  It's so unexpected and touching, with a healthy dose of "... what the hell..."  Billy Connolly is surprisingly lovable, which may be due to the fact that the movie doesn't allow him to open his obnoxious foul mouth.  Carrie-Anne Moss is the opposite of her character in "The Matrix," and she's still awesome.  The whole "zombie is man's best friend" theme had me crying at the end.  And that creepy neighbor with his zombie concubine... good stuff, people.  Good stuff.

#2 Sugar Hill
I apologize, but I have a soft spot for blaxploitation films.  And "Sugar Hill" delivers exploitation, revenge, and chills with the best of them.  Plus, it's nice to see a return to the voodoo zombie story, rather than the zombie plague/virus trope.  Zombies were originally associated with voodoo, not mutated viruses, so this is a return to zombie roots.

#1 Re-Animator
Camp at its best.  Forget voodoo zombies and virus-induced zombie plagues.  "Re-Animator" is the most chilling dead-people-come-to-life story of them all because it's the closest to reality.  The day is closing in when Herbert West's experiments might actually become a medical reality... and a horrific nightmare.  This is science turned evil.  Welcome to the future.  Welcome to the definition of terror.  Feel free to scream.

Honorable mention to "Shaun of the Dead."  It's so stuffed full of awesomeness that we couldn't figure out where to put it.  It's in a category of its own.

Check in next week for some witchy films!  (Yeah, "The Craft" is gonna make the list.)

Salaam!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: the best undead films, Part 1

Part 1: Vampires!

Vampires!  Vampires!  Vampires!  We've all been in a rage over vampires for about the last 30 years, and the craze doesn't seem to be going away any time soon.  So let's take a look at the 20 best vampire films of all time.  (This is subjective of course.  This is just a list of the films that we think are the best, but we do have pretty good taste, if I do say so myself.)  You will notice that Twilight is not on this list.  When The Voodoo Lady and I were brainstorming this, I told her that if she named Twilight as one of her favorite vampire movies, I would book a flight all the way from Perth to Orange County (that's over 9,000 miles) and personally punch her in the face.  Thankfully, she doesn't like Twilight.  And as it doesn't deserve any more words than we've already given it, let's get on with what we came here to do:

#20:  Underworld saga
This is a mega blockbuster series, but it sits at number 20 for us because it's rather cliche.  The only reason it's on this list is because this is one of the sleekest, hippest, sexiest portrayals of vampires out there.  Yes, it's sexier than Twilight.

Really, we just like all the leather...

#19  Once Bitten
This bloodsucking comedy is an adorable watch, and makes it onto this list for three reasons.  Lauren Hutton oozes quirky sensuality, and is thus a perfect vampire.  Cleavton Little is always, always a joy to behold and he died too young so we love everything he was in.  And it's nice to see Jim Carrey in the days before he got obsessed with strange and violent potty humor.  He used to be cute and charming.  What happened?

Movie Monday: "Fire and Ice"

It's hard to argue against the fact that Ralph Bakshi has a distinct, campy, yet enjoyable style to his films.  Well, if you've seen any of his films, that is.  Chances are, you haven't.  If you have, you are a colossal nerd, and therefore my blood-brother/sister.  His animated features are hardly popular anymore (though a few can be found on Netflix and are definitely worth watching), and perhaps couldn't have been called popular in their heyday.  They are the epitome of campy, over-sexed, sword-and-sorcery, He-Man style, most definitely outdated (not in a bad way) fantasy, and "Fire and Ice" is perhaps the campiest and the sexiest, and to nerds of the adult sci-fi/fantasy sort, it's certainly not outdated.

Larn and Teegra

"Fire and Ice" tells the stories of Larn, a young warrior whose village is wiped out by the evil sorcerer Nekron of the fortress Icekeep, and Princess Teegra, who is kidnapped by Nekron's minions, the half-ape half-human "subhumans" who seem to thirst for violence and sex.  Larn and Teegra, along with the mysterious Darkwolf, attempt to stop Nekron's deadly advance towards Teegra's castle, Firekeep (Fire and Ice, get it?  yeah it's simple).  Darkwolf is a strange character, and older man whose back-story is never fully explained.  It appears that he is a vigilante who is sworn to destroy Nekron and his power-hungry mother, Queen Juliana.  The trio has various misadventures through jungles, swamps, and ancient ruins.  Teegra and Larn fall in love, of course, as they must, and he rescues her from Nekron's evil.  Other than that, I don't want to spoil the ending for you.  If you have a Netflix account, I recommend watching the film.

Could she wear any less?

Part of "Fire and Ice's" charm is the primitive way the story is told.  There are long periods of silence, and the characters' vocabularies do seem to be rather reduced.  This gives everything a pre-historical tone, as much of the interaction relies on touch and gesticulation.  The other part of its charm is in the stereotypical over-sexualization that every sword-and-sorcery film must have.  The characters wear so few clothing items that they must all get frostbite when they go the glacier fortress.  How they manage to survive a single night in the wilderness in such little clothing is beyond me, but of course they are in good company.  I have yet to see an old sword-and-sorcery film where the characters, animated or live, wear more than a bikini's worth of togs.  A third reason to love the film is that the heroine is not blond!

Larn and Darkwolf

Despite the obvious sexism, the relatively predictable plot, and the out-dated feel of "Fire and Ice," it is still one of my favorite animated films.  It's both a serious (and simplistic) story about hunger for power, and a fluffy erotic romp.  I recommend that you get your hands on it, if you enjoy this sort of genre.  Don't watch it around little kids; there's a bit too much sex.  And while you're watching "Fire and Ice," why not add some of Bakshi's other films to your watchlist, like "Wizards," "Fritz the Cat," and "Coolworld."  (Don't watch these films around kids either.  "Fritz the Cat" is pornographic.)  Have fun watching, and enjoy this relic of 80s pulp!

Larn and Nekron

Ciao!
The Lonely Alchemist

Poe Week: Movie Monday

Edgar Allan Poe wrote with a very distinct and elegant brand of horror and suspense, and no one is better qualified to bring his works to screen than the inimitable Vincent Price, with his articulate, subtly sinister villains and flamboyant "heroes."  During his long reign as the king of suspense, Price starred in 7 films directed by the king of B horror movies himself, Roger Corman, that were loosely based on Poe's works.  (The cycle encompassed 8 films, but Price was absent from the cast of The Premature Burial.)  So let's take a look at the "collaborations" between these masters.

House of Usher:  based on The Fall of the House of Usher, this film stars Price as the ill-fated titular character.  While much of the film is true to Poe's story, the writers added a touch of romantic intrigue and turned Price into a conniving possessive villain, rather than the neurotic depressed character of the story to keep the movie audience interested.  The movie is short, barely over an hour, and the acting is as good as can be expected from an early Corman film (so it's moderately good).  Poe would probably have approved of Price's portrayal of Roderick Usher, despite the differences from the story.  Our rating: 3 out of 5 stars.

Movie Monday: Films that tried to be Steampunk and failed

The list of purely Steampunk movies in this world is a very short list.  The list of movies that attempt to use an aspect of Steampunk (or merely gussied-up Victoriana) to exoticize themselves is a long list.  Some of them do passable homage to the aesthetic and mood of Steampunk, and some fall laughably short, despite making a valiant effort.  Here are just a few in the latter category:

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen:  let's put aside the fact that this is nothing like the comics.  That's another battle altogether.  Neither the comic books not the film are entirely Steampunk, but the comics do get closer to the spirit of Steampunk.  The film tries to rest on Sean Connery's waning star power, and throws some monumental CGI Steampunk accessories into the mix to flesh out the life and death situations.  The problem?  That big fancy machinery isn't really what Steampunk is about.  It's part of it, but it's the independent, ingenious, creative mindset that is missing here.  Not even a sexy vampire can save this wreck.  I will say one good thing for this movie:  the Invisible Man is an intriguing character and I'd like to see more of him in another setting, no pun intended.  Result: one star for effort, and one star for fairly good CGI.  No Stars for Steampunk.  **OOO

Movie Monday: "Cutthroat Island"

When it comes to swashbuckling films, we at The Lonely Alchemist are addicts.  We've watched nearly everything from Douglas Fairbanks to Johnny Depp, but just a few weeks ago, we came across a gem of a film that we had never even heard of:  "Cutthroat Island."  And we love it!

Made in 1995 with a budget of $98,000,000 and a handful of big name stars, "Cutthroat Island" is one of the biggest flops in movie history and, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, is the biggest financial loss to date (this statistic is out of date by now). 

Movie Monday: "Murdoch Mysteries"

"Murdoch Mysteries" is a Canadian television show set in Toronto in the late 1890s. It centers around Detective William Murdoch who solves crimes using new technological and forensic techniques that are the predecessors of our crime solving techniques today. The show has a decidedly Steampunk feel (Murdoch himself is a devotee of Nicola Tesla) and the period-appropriate costuming and makeup is a refreshing break from modern TV.

Detective Murdoch is an exceedingly sexy man who manages to balance a deep Catholic faith with a firm belief in the immutable facts of science and technology. He is quiet and melancholy, perhaps still in grieving for his fiance who died a year before the show takes place.

Movie Monday: "What's Up, Tiger Lily?"

So this week's movie review is definitely out of the ordinary. This movie isn't a Rom Com. It isn't Steampunk or Gothic, and it isn't suspense, historical fiction, or sci-fi. This movie is pure cheesy comedy, with an extra side of cheese, topped with more cheese.

Movie Monday: "The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello"

"The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello" is a 2005 short film. It is the first of four proposed short films (about half-an-hour long each) and is set in an undoubtedly Steampunk world filled with airships and treacherous voyages.

The film is animated in the style of South East Asian Wayang Kulit shadow puppetry. Each character has a distinctive profile shape set against muted sepia toned backgrounds. The rare pale blues and greens as well as the dark crimson of the occasional blood spatter add to the bleak and hopeless mood of the piece. While the animation style is certainly unrealistic, the story and atmosphere are totally believable.

The story begins in the metropolitan city of Gothia, where the young navigator named Jasper Morello reminisces on a miscalculation he made during his last voyage which killed a man.

Movie Monday: "Tin Man"

Tin Man is a semi-Steampunk, semi-cyberpunk, semi-sci-fi sequel to "The Wizard of Oz." It re-imagines the land of the O. Z. as a military state under the evil rule of the Sorceress Azkedellia. Midwestern waitress D. G. (Dorothy Gray) is tossed into the mix to rediscover her magical past and save her parallel universe from the witch. Along with memorable and surprisingly well developed characters such as Cain, Glitch, and Raw, she spends 4.5 hours trekking across the O. Z. and recovering her memories.

The Seven Days of Christmas: Movie Monday: the Alchemist's favorite Christmas movies

There are more Christmas movies for rent at the video store than a person could watch during the month of December. There are, of course the classics like "A Miracle on 34th St.", "A Christmas Story" and "It's a Wonderful Life." But there are some Christmas movies that are constantly overlooked. The kinds of off-beat movies that anybody reading this blog would enjoy. And don't forget the Christmas episodes of TV shows! Here are some fantastic movies that will put you in the Christmas spirit (and may just tickle those Gothic sensibilities too!):

Movie Monday: "Scaramouche"

If you watch a lot of old movies, you've probably seen the 1952 Swashbuckling classic "Scaramouche." If you haven't seen it then go rent it; you are in for a treat!

The movie takes place during the French Revolution, but in true form to the blind side of Hollywood, the movie almost completely ignores both the poor people of France and the entire Revolution. It stars Stewart Granger as Andre-Louis Moreau, a nobleman's bastard son who embarks on a dangerous vendetta to avenge his young friend. He is determined to slay the vicious Marquis de Mayne (Mel Ferrer, who makes the perfect aristocrat) who killed his young idealistic friend in a duel. As he trains, he takes on the character of Scaramouche, a roguish Italian commedia dell'arte clown, for a local theatre company. And naturally he woos two beautiful women, one feisty actress (Eleanor Parker) and one innocent aristocrat (Janet Leigh) who, through the comedic confusions of the film, might prove to be Andre's own sister.