Monday, October 20, 2014

Movie Monday: The Best Witchy Films

We've covered vampires and zombies, and now it's the turn of witches!  And yeah, we have a really, really big soft spot for campy B movies, so you'll see a lot of that...

#10 The Wicker Man
The original, not the Nicholas Cage debacle.  I'm sure this film makes wiccans and pagans everywhere insanely mad, but it's fun; we can't deny that.

#9 ParaNorman
This is both a witchcraft and zombie movie (with a healthy dose of ghosts), so it should rightfully have had a shout-out on last week's list too, but this will just have to suffice.  For a kid's movie, this gave me the creeps.  I can't watch it alone.  And I love the small-town feel.  It's homey and familiar, despite the undead.  And a kid witch fueled by fear rather than dark magic?  Love it!

#8 The Witches of Eastwick
On one hand, I hate this because Jack Nicholson is absolutely revolting in this film.  On the other hand, this is a veritable orgy of great actors doing weird, uncomfortable, and amusing things.  I only wish it were a little stronger on the girl power, though.

#7 The Witches
Anjelica Huston.  Need I say more?

#6 Bell, Book, and Candle
It's like "Bewitched," but so much better.  This little-known charmer is stuffed with vintage stars who all give spell-bindingly cute performances.  (So many puns!  We can't stop!  Help!)

#5 Practical Magic
Oh my God, I could kill Goran Visnjic after watching this.  What a sick bastard he plays!  It's him who's the real terror here, not the witches, and I love that.

#4 The Craft
There is no need to justify this film being on the list.

#3 Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
I'm sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  This was my favorite movie of 2013, and I watch it at least once a month.  I have a major crush on Jeremy Renner.  And Gemma Arterton.  And that adorable troll.  And Muriel gives me the willies.  And even though I'm not usually a fan of major gore, I even loved that in this piece of laughable schlock.  This is just my ultimate date night movie.  I know, it's weird.  Moving on...

#2 Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
OMG I AM ELVIRA'S BIGGEST FAN EVER AND I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO PLAY HER SOMEDAY.  And talk about campy B movies: this one has it all!  Everything!  Seriously!  It just doesn't get any better/worse than this.  God, I'm just fangirling all over the place, aren't I?  I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE.  CASSANDRA PETERSON'S BOOBS WILL BACK ME UP.

You do not mess with the boobs.  They are f*cking magical.  Remember when her boobs broke that fence?  Yeah.

#1 The Crucible
I know, I know, it's a play first and foremost, not a movie.  But, damn!  "The Crucible" tops the list because of the sheer terror it instills in viewers.  This is a true story, people.  The evil that humans are capable of... witches have nothing on us.  We are frightening creatures.  I am sick to my stomach every time I watch this.  The brutal, raw truth of humanity's cruelty and small-mindedness makes for a better horror movie than any number of vampires, zombies, witches, or ghouls.

Have a horrific day!
The Lonely Alchemist

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