Movie Monday: The Best Witchy Films

We've covered vampires and zombies, and now it's the turn of witches!  And yeah, we have a really, really big soft spot for campy B movies, so you'll see a lot of that...

#10 The Wicker Man
The original, not the Nicholas Cage debacle.  I'm sure this film makes wiccans and pagans everywhere insanely mad, but it's fun; we can't deny that.

#9 ParaNorman
This is both a witchcraft and zombie movie (with a healthy dose of ghosts), so it should rightfully have had a shout-out on last week's list too, but this will just have to suffice.  For a kid's movie, this gave me the creeps.  I can't watch it alone.  And I love the small-town feel.  It's homey and familiar, despite the undead.  And a kid witch fueled by fear rather than dark magic?  Love it!

#8 The Witches of Eastwick
On one hand, I hate this because Jack Nicholson is absolutely revolting in this film.  On the other hand, this is a veritable orgy of great actors doing weird, uncomfortable, and amusing things.  I only wish it were a little stronger on the girl power, though.

#7 The Witches
Anjelica Huston.  Need I say more?

#6 Bell, Book, and Candle
It's like "Bewitched," but so much better.  This little-known charmer is stuffed with vintage stars who all give spell-bindingly cute performances.  (So many puns!  We can't stop!  Help!)

#5 Practical Magic
Oh my God, I could kill Goran Visnjic after watching this.  What a sick bastard he plays!  It's him who's the real terror here, not the witches, and I love that.

#4 The Craft
There is no need to justify this film being on the list.

#3 Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
I'm sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  This was my favorite movie of 2013, and I watch it at least once a month.  I have a major crush on Jeremy Renner.  And Gemma Arterton.  And that adorable troll.  And Muriel gives me the willies.  And even though I'm not usually a fan of major gore, I even loved that in this piece of laughable schlock.  This is just my ultimate date night movie.  I know, it's weird.  Moving on...

#2 Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
OMG I AM ELVIRA'S BIGGEST FAN EVER AND I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO PLAY HER SOMEDAY.  And talk about campy B movies: this one has it all!  Everything!  Seriously!  It just doesn't get any better/worse than this.  God, I'm just fangirling all over the place, aren't I?  I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE.  CASSANDRA PETERSON'S BOOBS WILL BACK ME UP.

You do not mess with the boobs.  They are f*cking magical.  Remember when her boobs broke that fence?  Yeah.

#1 The Crucible
I know, I know, it's a play first and foremost, not a movie.  But, damn!  "The Crucible" tops the list because of the sheer terror it instills in viewers.  This is a true story, people.  The evil that humans are capable of... witches have nothing on us.  We are frightening creatures.  I am sick to my stomach every time I watch this.  The brutal, raw truth of humanity's cruelty and small-mindedness makes for a better horror movie than any number of vampires, zombies, witches, or ghouls.

Have a horrific day!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: The Best Undead Films Part 2

Zombies!!!

They're the new fad, hot trend, hip obsession.  I even came across a zombie romance novel the other day.  Wow.  Never expected that...  Anyways, here's our favorite zombie movies.

#10 Plague of the Zombies
It's a classic!  I mean, it's in the Hammer collection.  You can't have a best-zombie-movie list without this one.  For an oldie, it can still give us the chills.  Rock on, hippie era zombies.

#9 Zombieland
This will undoubtedly be considered a zombie classic in a few decades.  It's campy fun, and Woody Harrelson is a genius here, but it's a little over-the-top bloody for me, which is why it's not higher on the list, despite its popularity.

#8 Planet Terror
Over-the-top, just like Zombieland, but it's killer fun.  Pun intended.  (Yes, we think we were clever there.)  Plus, it has a machine gun leg on a sexy woman.  Hell yeah!

#7 Warm Bodies
It's my firm belief that this movie has ignited the newest trend in romantic books and films: the zombie romance.  It's going to be big, soon.  Maybe even overtake the vampire romance obsession we've had for at least 200 years.  There just isn't a cuter young adult love story out there, and "Warm Bodies" beats "Twilight" for romance and fun by about a million miles.  I'll take R over Edward any day.  Bonus: for a romance, it's surprisingly not even mildly sexist.  Win!

#6 I Walked With a Zombie
Imagine Alfred Hitchcock made a zombie movie.  'Nuf said.

#5 George Romero's zombie trilogy
Do we really have to defend this choice?  Honestly, guys...

#4 all the Evil Dead films (the originals)
We're not defending this either.  Duh.

#3 Fido
This is one of my all-time favorite movies.  It's so unexpected and touching, with a healthy dose of "... what the hell..."  Billy Connolly is surprisingly lovable, which may be due to the fact that the movie doesn't allow him to open his obnoxious foul mouth.  Carrie-Anne Moss is the opposite of her character in "The Matrix," and she's still awesome.  The whole "zombie is man's best friend" theme had me crying at the end.  And that creepy neighbor with his zombie concubine... good stuff, people.  Good stuff.

#2 Sugar Hill
I apologize, but I have a soft spot for blaxploitation films.  And "Sugar Hill" delivers exploitation, revenge, and chills with the best of them.  Plus, it's nice to see a return to the voodoo zombie story, rather than the zombie plague/virus trope.  Zombies were originally associated with voodoo, not mutated viruses, so this is a return to zombie roots.

#1 Re-Animator
Camp at its best.  Forget voodoo zombies and virus-induced zombie plagues.  "Re-Animator" is the most chilling dead-people-come-to-life story of them all because it's the closest to reality.  The day is closing in when Herbert West's experiments might actually become a medical reality... and a horrific nightmare.  This is science turned evil.  Welcome to the future.  Welcome to the definition of terror.  Feel free to scream.

Honorable mention to "Shaun of the Dead."  It's so stuffed full of awesomeness that we couldn't figure out where to put it.  It's in a category of its own.

Check in next week for some witchy films!  (Yeah, "The Craft" is gonna make the list.)

Salaam!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: the best undead films, Part 1

Part 1: Vampires!

Vampires!  Vampires!  Vampires!  We've all been in a rage over vampires for about the last 30 years, and the craze doesn't seem to be going away any time soon.  So let's take a look at the 20 best vampire films of all time.  (This is subjective of course.  This is just a list of the films that we think are the best, but we do have pretty good taste, if I do say so myself.)  You will notice that Twilight is not on this list.  When The Voodoo Lady and I were brainstorming this, I told her that if she named Twilight as one of her favorite vampire movies, I would book a flight all the way from Perth to Orange County (that's over 9,000 miles) and personally punch her in the face.  Thankfully, she doesn't like Twilight.  And as it doesn't deserve any more words than we've already given it, let's get on with what we came here to do:

#20:  Underworld saga
This is a mega blockbuster series, but it sits at number 20 for us because it's rather cliche.  The only reason it's on this list is because this is one of the sleekest, hippest, sexiest portrayals of vampires out there.  Yes, it's sexier than Twilight.

Really, we just like all the leather...

#19  Once Bitten
This bloodsucking comedy is an adorable watch, and makes it onto this list for three reasons.  Lauren Hutton oozes quirky sensuality, and is thus a perfect vampire.  Cleavton Little is always, always a joy to behold and he died too young so we love everything he was in.  And it's nice to see Jim Carrey in the days before he got obsessed with strange and violent potty humor.  He used to be cute and charming.  What happened?

Poe Week: Poe's Fashion (sort of...)

In case you've never thought about it, here is a short (tongue-in-cheek) guide to the fashions of Edgar Allan Poe's day.  To create the appropriately flouncy, feminine, helpless look of a woman from the Gothic romances of Poe's mind:

accentuate your sloping shoulders

minimize your waist

Poe Week: Word Wednesday

Edgar Allan Poe was fond of what we would consider to be obscure vocabulary.  He was highly educated with an enormous vocabulary (compared to modern writers) and knowledge of many languages.  These are just a few of the words he used that nobody seems to use anymore (alas).  Just for fun, try to use one in conversation today!

abeyance - suspension of activity
abstruse - hard to understand
acrid - sharp and unpleasant in scent or flavor
amatory - relating to expressing sexual love
bagatelle - short piano piece
beldame - old woman
cassock - long cloak worn by clergy
charnel - room or building in which bodies are deposited

Poe Week: Poetry Tuesday: "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

Poe Week: Movie Monday

Edgar Allan Poe wrote with a very distinct and elegant brand of horror and suspense, and no one is better qualified to bring his works to screen than the inimitable Vincent Price, with his articulate, subtly sinister villains and flamboyant "heroes."  During his long reign as the king of suspense, Price starred in 7 films directed by the king of B horror movies himself, Roger Corman, that were loosely based on Poe's works.  (The cycle encompassed 8 films, but Price was absent from the cast of The Premature Burial.)  So let's take a look at the "collaborations" between these masters.

House of Usher:  based on The Fall of the House of Usher, this film stars Price as the ill-fated titular character.  While much of the film is true to Poe's story, the writers added a touch of romantic intrigue and turned Price into a conniving possessive villain, rather than the neurotic depressed character of the story to keep the movie audience interested.  The movie is short, barely over an hour, and the acting is as good as can be expected from an early Corman film (so it's moderately good).  Poe would probably have approved of Price's portrayal of Roderick Usher, despite the differences from the story.  Our rating: 3 out of 5 stars.

Welcome to Poe Week!

Edgar Allan Poe is the undisputed master of Gothic fiction and poetry and perhaps the most well known American author of the Victorian era, so here at The Lonely Alchemist we celebrate him with Poe Week on the first week of July!  Every post this week will have a healthy dose of Poe, from his most famous poem to his short stories to his life and times.  On Monday the 1st, check in to see our reviews of the best and worst movie adaptations of Poe's stories, on Tuesday read (or re-read!) his famous "The Raven," on Wednesday brush up your vocabulary with some of Poe's most obscure words, on Thursday enjoy a collection of the cheekiest Poe jokes and cartoons and find out where you can read Poe for free on the internet, and on Friday finish off your Poe week with an exploration of Gothic fashion.  On Saturday, keep your eyes peeled for a special surprise Poe post (or Poest) that you won't want to miss!  Join us every day for you Poe-licious fix!

Caio!
The Lonely Alchemist

Poetry Tuesday: "Despair" by H. P. Lovecraft

Here's a poetical tidbit for you from one of the forefathers of Steampunk, the creator of Cthulhu himself:

O’er the midnight moorlands crying,
Thro’ the cypress forests sighing,
In the night-wind madly flying,
      Hellish forms with streaming hair;
In the barren branches creaking,
By the stagnant swamp-pools speaking,
Past the shore-cliffs ever shrieking;
      Damn’d daemons of despair.

Once, I think I half remember,
Ere the grey skies of November
Quench’d my youth’s aspiring ember,
      Liv’d there such a thing as bliss;
Skies that now are dark were beaming,
Gold and azure, splendid seeming
Till I learn’d it all was dreaming—
      Deadly drowsiness of Dis.

But the stream of Time, swift flowing,
Brings the torment of half-knowing—
Dimly rushing, blindly going
      Past the never-trodden lea;
And the voyager, repining,
Sees the wicked death-fires shining,
Hears the wicked petrel’s whining
      As he helpless drifts to sea.

Evil wings in ether beating;
Vultures at the spirit eating;
Things unseen forever fleeting
      Black against the leering sky.
Ghastly shades of bygone gladness,
Clawing fiends of future sadness,
Mingle in a cloud of madness
      Ever on the soul to lie.

Thus the living, lone and sobbing,
In the throes of anguish throbbing,
With the loathsome Furies robbing
      Night and noon of peace and rest.
But beyond the groans and grating
Of abhorrent Life, is waiting
Sweet Oblivion, culminating
      All the years of fruitless quest. 


Ciao!
The Lonely Alchemist

The Assassin's Arsenal: beautiful and deadly

We are taking a little hiatus from Madame Yvina/ Sybil's fascinating tale here at the Lonely Alchemist while we move, so to tide you over, here is a little collection of some of the items in the famed assassin's traveling kit.  If you see anything you like, just click on one of the links below.  Everything in Yvina's arsenal is from Etsy sellers who love Steampunk/Victorian/Gothic arts and crafts!

 

 

(just click the picture to enlarge)

 Corsets from:

Alice and Willow

Damsel in this Dress

Louise Black

Accessories from:

Fable and Fury

Gardens of Whimsey

Umbrella Laboratory

Funk Love Designs

The Nifty Nutter

Fine Art from: 

Light Witch

Miss Quite Contrary

Tarot Cards from:

Curlycue Design

Perfume from:

Birdcage and Labyrinth

Poisons/Weapons from:

Aberrant Affixments

Old Junkyard Boutique

Tea from:

Craig's Market

Ciao!

The Lonely Alchemist

Perfume Review: "Headless Marie" from BirdcageandLabyrinth

"Headless Marie" from The Birdcage and Labyrinth Steampunk Perfumerie is a lovely, if morbid, tribute to Marie Antoinette. The perfume description reads: "This is a perfume in honor of that decadent woman, Marie Antoinette, who lost her head because of her expensive tastes. France’s most famous queen, lovely and naïve Marie was the toast of Versailles before her unfortunate rendezvous with the guillotine. The luxury of Marie and her king are legendary and have been immortalized in countless novels and movies. The opulence, the palaces, the food, the gardens, the clothes, the jewels… all are again immortalized in this perfume."

Word Wednesday: "Ghoul"

The word-of-the-day, ghoul, is relatively new to the English language. It first appears in literature in One Thousand and One Nights as a part of Scheherazade's tales. The word is derived from Arabic ghul, from ghala "to seize" and refers to a devilish undead shape-shifting jinn who lives in the desert. The Arabic ghul lures travelers into the desert and slays and eats them, often taking the form of its last victim.

Ghouls first appeared in Western literature in 1786 in William Beckford's novel Valthek. This Westernized version of the ghoul dwells in graveyards or other sites of death and feeds on the flesh of the recently deceased. They are similar to vampires in that sunlight and artificial light disturb them and can burn them to death.

The meaning of the word ghoul has been extended to refer to those whose vocations deal with death, such as undertakers of gravediggers. In the Victorian era, it was common to call someone of such a macabre profession a ghoul (as an insult). Since the modernization and commercialization of the death industry, the use of this name in reference to a mortician has died out (pun intended), and modern day ghouls stay relegated to works of fiction.

Perhaps the most famous ghoul is the star Algol in the constellation Perseus. It's name is derived from the Arabic ra's al-ghul or "the head of the ogre/demon" and it is colloquially known as the Demon Star. This modern monicker is not alone in its dark nature: in Hebrew, Algol is know as Rosh ha Satan or "Satan's Head," in Latin as Caput Larvae or "Spectre's Head," and in Chinese astronomy it is known as Tseih She or "piled-up corpses."


Ciao!

The Lonely Alchemist

A Gothic Tidbit

The following is from "The Mysteries of Udolpho," a Gothic novel by Ann Radcliffe. You can read the whole novel for free here.

She gazed at him for a moment in speechless affright, while he, throwing himself on his knee at the bed-side, besought her to fear nothing, and, having thrown down his sword, would have taken her hand, when the faculties, that terror had suspended, suddenly returned, and she sprung from the bed, in the dress, which surely a kind of prophetic apprehension had prevented her, on this night, from throwing aside.

Morano rose, followed her to the door, through which he had entered, and caught her hand, as she reached the top of the stair-case, but not before she had discovered, by the gleam of a lamp, another man half-way down the steps.