Movie Monday: "Dirigible Days"

Two years and a bit ago (God, has the blog really be going on that long?!?), we asked you to contribute to the "Dirigible Days" Kickstarter.  Well, we've finally gotten around to watching the resulting mini-series, and we're impressed.  Head on over to the website to see the series and support the project!

Salaam!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: The Best Witchy Films

We've covered vampires and zombies, and now it's the turn of witches!  And yeah, we have a really, really big soft spot for campy B movies, so you'll see a lot of that...

#10 The Wicker Man
The original, not the Nicholas Cage debacle.  I'm sure this film makes wiccans and pagans everywhere insanely mad, but it's fun; we can't deny that.

#9 ParaNorman
This is both a witchcraft and zombie movie (with a healthy dose of ghosts), so it should rightfully have had a shout-out on last week's list too, but this will just have to suffice.  For a kid's movie, this gave me the creeps.  I can't watch it alone.  And I love the small-town feel.  It's homey and familiar, despite the undead.  And a kid witch fueled by fear rather than dark magic?  Love it!

#8 The Witches of Eastwick
On one hand, I hate this because Jack Nicholson is absolutely revolting in this film.  On the other hand, this is a veritable orgy of great actors doing weird, uncomfortable, and amusing things.  I only wish it were a little stronger on the girl power, though.

#7 The Witches
Anjelica Huston.  Need I say more?

#6 Bell, Book, and Candle
It's like "Bewitched," but so much better.  This little-known charmer is stuffed with vintage stars who all give spell-bindingly cute performances.  (So many puns!  We can't stop!  Help!)

#5 Practical Magic
Oh my God, I could kill Goran Visnjic after watching this.  What a sick bastard he plays!  It's him who's the real terror here, not the witches, and I love that.

#4 The Craft
There is no need to justify this film being on the list.

#3 Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
I'm sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  This was my favorite movie of 2013, and I watch it at least once a month.  I have a major crush on Jeremy Renner.  And Gemma Arterton.  And that adorable troll.  And Muriel gives me the willies.  And even though I'm not usually a fan of major gore, I even loved that in this piece of laughable schlock.  This is just my ultimate date night movie.  I know, it's weird.  Moving on...

#2 Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
OMG I AM ELVIRA'S BIGGEST FAN EVER AND I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO PLAY HER SOMEDAY.  And talk about campy B movies: this one has it all!  Everything!  Seriously!  It just doesn't get any better/worse than this.  God, I'm just fangirling all over the place, aren't I?  I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE.  CASSANDRA PETERSON'S BOOBS WILL BACK ME UP.

You do not mess with the boobs.  They are f*cking magical.  Remember when her boobs broke that fence?  Yeah.

#1 The Crucible
I know, I know, it's a play first and foremost, not a movie.  But, damn!  "The Crucible" tops the list because of the sheer terror it instills in viewers.  This is a true story, people.  The evil that humans are capable of... witches have nothing on us.  We are frightening creatures.  I am sick to my stomach every time I watch this.  The brutal, raw truth of humanity's cruelty and small-mindedness makes for a better horror movie than any number of vampires, zombies, witches, or ghouls.

Have a horrific day!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: The Best Undead Films Part 2

Zombies!!!

They're the new fad, hot trend, hip obsession.  I even came across a zombie romance novel the other day.  Wow.  Never expected that...  Anyways, here's our favorite zombie movies.

#10 Plague of the Zombies
It's a classic!  I mean, it's in the Hammer collection.  You can't have a best-zombie-movie list without this one.  For an oldie, it can still give us the chills.  Rock on, hippie era zombies.

#9 Zombieland
This will undoubtedly be considered a zombie classic in a few decades.  It's campy fun, and Woody Harrelson is a genius here, but it's a little over-the-top bloody for me, which is why it's not higher on the list, despite its popularity.

#8 Planet Terror
Over-the-top, just like Zombieland, but it's killer fun.  Pun intended.  (Yes, we think we were clever there.)  Plus, it has a machine gun leg on a sexy woman.  Hell yeah!

#7 Warm Bodies
It's my firm belief that this movie has ignited the newest trend in romantic books and films: the zombie romance.  It's going to be big, soon.  Maybe even overtake the vampire romance obsession we've had for at least 200 years.  There just isn't a cuter young adult love story out there, and "Warm Bodies" beats "Twilight" for romance and fun by about a million miles.  I'll take R over Edward any day.  Bonus: for a romance, it's surprisingly not even mildly sexist.  Win!

#6 I Walked With a Zombie
Imagine Alfred Hitchcock made a zombie movie.  'Nuf said.

#5 George Romero's zombie trilogy
Do we really have to defend this choice?  Honestly, guys...

#4 all the Evil Dead films (the originals)
We're not defending this either.  Duh.

#3 Fido
This is one of my all-time favorite movies.  It's so unexpected and touching, with a healthy dose of "... what the hell..."  Billy Connolly is surprisingly lovable, which may be due to the fact that the movie doesn't allow him to open his obnoxious foul mouth.  Carrie-Anne Moss is the opposite of her character in "The Matrix," and she's still awesome.  The whole "zombie is man's best friend" theme had me crying at the end.  And that creepy neighbor with his zombie concubine... good stuff, people.  Good stuff.

#2 Sugar Hill
I apologize, but I have a soft spot for blaxploitation films.  And "Sugar Hill" delivers exploitation, revenge, and chills with the best of them.  Plus, it's nice to see a return to the voodoo zombie story, rather than the zombie plague/virus trope.  Zombies were originally associated with voodoo, not mutated viruses, so this is a return to zombie roots.

#1 Re-Animator
Camp at its best.  Forget voodoo zombies and virus-induced zombie plagues.  "Re-Animator" is the most chilling dead-people-come-to-life story of them all because it's the closest to reality.  The day is closing in when Herbert West's experiments might actually become a medical reality... and a horrific nightmare.  This is science turned evil.  Welcome to the future.  Welcome to the definition of terror.  Feel free to scream.

Honorable mention to "Shaun of the Dead."  It's so stuffed full of awesomeness that we couldn't figure out where to put it.  It's in a category of its own.

Check in next week for some witchy films!  (Yeah, "The Craft" is gonna make the list.)

Salaam!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: the best undead films, Part 1

Part 1: Vampires!

Vampires!  Vampires!  Vampires!  We've all been in a rage over vampires for about the last 30 years, and the craze doesn't seem to be going away any time soon.  So let's take a look at the 20 best vampire films of all time.  (This is subjective of course.  This is just a list of the films that we think are the best, but we do have pretty good taste, if I do say so myself.)  You will notice that Twilight is not on this list.  When The Voodoo Lady and I were brainstorming this, I told her that if she named Twilight as one of her favorite vampire movies, I would book a flight all the way from Perth to Orange County (that's over 9,000 miles) and personally punch her in the face.  Thankfully, she doesn't like Twilight.  And as it doesn't deserve any more words than we've already given it, let's get on with what we came here to do:

#20:  Underworld saga
This is a mega blockbuster series, but it sits at number 20 for us because it's rather cliche.  The only reason it's on this list is because this is one of the sleekest, hippest, sexiest portrayals of vampires out there.  Yes, it's sexier than Twilight.

Really, we just like all the leather...

#19  Once Bitten
This bloodsucking comedy is an adorable watch, and makes it onto this list for three reasons.  Lauren Hutton oozes quirky sensuality, and is thus a perfect vampire.  Cleavton Little is always, always a joy to behold and he died too young so we love everything he was in.  And it's nice to see Jim Carrey in the days before he got obsessed with strange and violent potty humor.  He used to be cute and charming.  What happened?

Poetry Tuesday: "In the Glade" by Cait McKnelly

Wind sighing, tree limbs swaying
Listen and you will hear the song.
Faint harp playing, the owl crying
Of days that are now long gone.
Moon riding high on a cloud tossed sea
Shining silver in the glade below.
Shadows dancing, moonlight playing
On a dance done long ago.
Hands touching, eyes catching
Shining in the fey touched light.
Hearts racing, breath sighing
Ancient love is afoot tonight.

Salaam!
The Lonely Alchemist 

Poetry Tuesday: "Sea Fever" by John Masefield

 

Ciao!

The Lonely Alchemist

Poetry Tuesday: "Alexander by Thebes" by Anna Akhmatova

I think, the king was fierce, though young,
When he proclaimed, “You’ll level Thebes with ground.”
And the old chief perceived this city proud,
He’d seen in times that are in sagas sung.
Set all to fire! The king listed else
The towers, the gates, the temples – rich and thriving…
But sank in thoughts, and said with lighted face,
“You just provide the Bard Home’s surviving.”

Caio!
The Lonely Alchemist

Word Wednesday: "Epeolatry"

Epeolatry means "the worship or love of words."  It is derived from the Greek epos, which means "word."  The term was apparently coined by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr in 1860.  Well, whoever invented it must have had me in mind!

Salaam!
The Lonely Alchemist

Poetry Tuesday: "Sonnet 54" by Shakespeare

 

Ciao!

The Lonely Alchemist

A Quote for Thought

"We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from another's vantage point, as if new, it may still take the breath away." 

--Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen

Word Wednesday: "portmanteau"

Why, oh why, does no one use one of these anymore?  Nobody even uses the word, and the world is worse off for it!  Portmanteaus, large trunks that open into two equal halves, are a fixture in practically every comedy film from the advent of film up until the 1950s (presumably because you can fit a person inside them), not to mention they're beautifully Victorian.  The word comes from the Old French porter ("to carry") and manteau ("cloak").

I would love to own a portmanteau.  It would be the perfect place to pack all my Steampunk costumes and accoutrements, not to mention it would make a lovely antique-ish piece of furniture.  Anybody know of any cheap ones for sale, preferably in black leather?

Ciao!
The Lonely Alchemist

Poetry Tuesday: "There By None of Beauty's Daughters..." by George Gordon (Lord) Byron

There be none of Beauty's daughters

With a magic like Thee;

And like music on the waters

Is thy sweet voice to me:

When, as if its sound were causing

The charméd ocean's pausing,

The waves lie still and gleaming,

And the lull'd winds seem dreaming:

And the midnight moon is weaving

Her bright chain o'er the deep,

Whose breast is gently heaving

As an infant's asleep:

So the spirit bows before thee

To listen and adore thee;

With a full but soft emotion,

Like the swell of Summer's ocean. 

 

Ciao!

The Lonely Alchemist

Word Wednesday: "maledicent"

As I'm sure you could guess from looking, that today's word, maledicent, has something to do with being bad, like maleficent, malefactor, malpractice, etc...  In fact, it means "one who is addicted to abusive speech."  I can't really think of any good examples of this kind of person in real life.  Some characters from "A Bit of Fry & Laurie" sketches come to mind...

As for the prefix mal, it means "bad, badly or ill," coming from Old French mal, from the Latin adverb male, from malus, meaning "bad."

Ciao!
The Lonely Alchemist

Movie Monday: "Fire and Ice"

It's hard to argue against the fact that Ralph Bakshi has a distinct, campy, yet enjoyable style to his films.  Well, if you've seen any of his films, that is.  Chances are, you haven't.  If you have, you are a colossal nerd, and therefore my blood-brother/sister.  His animated features are hardly popular anymore (though a few can be found on Netflix and are definitely worth watching), and perhaps couldn't have been called popular in their heyday.  They are the epitome of campy, over-sexed, sword-and-sorcery, He-Man style, most definitely outdated (not in a bad way) fantasy, and "Fire and Ice" is perhaps the campiest and the sexiest, and to nerds of the adult sci-fi/fantasy sort, it's certainly not outdated.

Larn and Teegra

"Fire and Ice" tells the stories of Larn, a young warrior whose village is wiped out by the evil sorcerer Nekron of the fortress Icekeep, and Princess Teegra, who is kidnapped by Nekron's minions, the half-ape half-human "subhumans" who seem to thirst for violence and sex.  Larn and Teegra, along with the mysterious Darkwolf, attempt to stop Nekron's deadly advance towards Teegra's castle, Firekeep (Fire and Ice, get it?  yeah it's simple).  Darkwolf is a strange character, and older man whose back-story is never fully explained.  It appears that he is a vigilante who is sworn to destroy Nekron and his power-hungry mother, Queen Juliana.  The trio has various misadventures through jungles, swamps, and ancient ruins.  Teegra and Larn fall in love, of course, as they must, and he rescues her from Nekron's evil.  Other than that, I don't want to spoil the ending for you.  If you have a Netflix account, I recommend watching the film.

Could she wear any less?

Part of "Fire and Ice's" charm is the primitive way the story is told.  There are long periods of silence, and the characters' vocabularies do seem to be rather reduced.  This gives everything a pre-historical tone, as much of the interaction relies on touch and gesticulation.  The other part of its charm is in the stereotypical over-sexualization that every sword-and-sorcery film must have.  The characters wear so few clothing items that they must all get frostbite when they go the glacier fortress.  How they manage to survive a single night in the wilderness in such little clothing is beyond me, but of course they are in good company.  I have yet to see an old sword-and-sorcery film where the characters, animated or live, wear more than a bikini's worth of togs.  A third reason to love the film is that the heroine is not blond!

Larn and Darkwolf

Despite the obvious sexism, the relatively predictable plot, and the out-dated feel of "Fire and Ice," it is still one of my favorite animated films.  It's both a serious (and simplistic) story about hunger for power, and a fluffy erotic romp.  I recommend that you get your hands on it, if you enjoy this sort of genre.  Don't watch it around little kids; there's a bit too much sex.  And while you're watching "Fire and Ice," why not add some of Bakshi's other films to your watchlist, like "Wizards," "Fritz the Cat," and "Coolworld."  (Don't watch these films around kids either.  "Fritz the Cat" is pornographic.)  Have fun watching, and enjoy this relic of 80s pulp!

Larn and Nekron

Ciao!
The Lonely Alchemist

Steampunk Tattoos

As both a lover of Steampunk and a lover of tattoos, it was only a matter of time before I decided to combine my loves.  About a year ago, I got my first (of hopefully many) Steampunk tattoo (not my first tattoo, but my first punky one).  It's on my left thigh, a nice place for women to get tattoos as it can be easily covered, and it usually ends up looking quite sexy (especially in a bathing suit).  Here's a picture, which has rather bad resolution and is upside-down, unfortunately, but I have an awful camera so I hope you'll forgive me (there's a much better photo in my tattoo artist's portfolio, on the second row down):

I already have my next Steampunk tattoo planned.  It will be a mechanical Sailor Jerry style swallow.  I'm debating whether to do it in rich purple and blue, or traditional brown, grey, and gold (like the koi above).  Since I already have a bright blue and purple tattoo on my back, I think I'll go with the copper and metal color scheme.

Poetry Tuesday: "A conversation in the stype of Japanese love poems" by Robin Bonneau

A conversation in the style of Japanese love poems

I no longer walk in my garden

for the flowers there remind

me of your beauty –

and increase my sorrow.

I try to think

that it was only yesterday you left-

but the snow on the trees

and my tear-stained sleeves

do not leave room for excuses.

You have forsaken me. 

Poe Week: Poe's Fashion (sort of...)

In case you've never thought about it, here is a short (tongue-in-cheek) guide to the fashions of Edgar Allan Poe's day.  To create the appropriately flouncy, feminine, helpless look of a woman from the Gothic romances of Poe's mind:

accentuate your sloping shoulders

minimize your waist

Poe Week: That's Poe-posterous! (the internet's best Poe jokes)

And perhaps the only piece of humor Poe ever wrote (he wrote it to pay his tavern bill):

"Fill with mingled cream and amber

I will drain that glass again.

Such hilarious visions clamber

Through the chamber of my brain —

Quaintest thoughts — queerest fancies

Come to life and fade away;

What care I how time advances?

I am drinking ale today."

Ciao!

The Lonely Alchemist

Poe Week: Word Wednesday

Edgar Allan Poe was fond of what we would consider to be obscure vocabulary.  He was highly educated with an enormous vocabulary (compared to modern writers) and knowledge of many languages.  These are just a few of the words he used that nobody seems to use anymore (alas).  Just for fun, try to use one in conversation today!

abeyance - suspension of activity
abstruse - hard to understand
acrid - sharp and unpleasant in scent or flavor
amatory - relating to expressing sexual love
bagatelle - short piano piece
beldame - old woman
cassock - long cloak worn by clergy
charnel - room or building in which bodies are deposited

Poe Week: Poetry Tuesday: "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.